Over three years ago, I entered the realm of BDSM as a burgeoning Mistress. I am not ashamed about this fact. I was genuinely curious about assuming the role of a dominant as I was already a dominant in my “vanilla” relationship. I really had no preconceived notions or judgments about how the BDSM world would differ from that of the vanilla one. I’m a hands on type of learner. So, it wouldn’t have mattered if I had trained properly from a reputable dungeon unless I could begin training as a Mistress and not in the role of a submissive.
That’s how it works typically. To become a dominant, you are trained as a submissive first so that you understand what it means to submit. This wasn’t an option for me as I can’t be bound and tortured in anyway. I suffer from PTSD and have many triggers. I also have panic attacks that plague me and will surface without warning. So, I entered the BDSM scene as a “wet behind the ears” rookie and didn’t even put on airs that I wasn’t experienced. I didn’t have any toys or fetish type outfits either.
I learned a lot as I did scenes with the same submissive whom was actually a switch with a major prison fetish that involved full body shackles ( like prisoners are outfitted with to transport them around jail/prison ) real prison outfits and he wanted everything very precise. So, to be very new to BDSM, this was a bit intimidating to have to remember how to work all the locks and make sure his restraints were put on properly.
Gradually, over the next years, I obtained more gear and experience. Since I wasn’t a professional yet, I would just schedule scenes with subs that I had met previously in a public place and interviewed them. My “payment” accepted from them was a toy that I could use. One sub made me a creative CBT ( cock & ball torture ) device that I used on him and a few other subs just because I love it so much and it could be used as a weapon too, so that really appealed to me.
Over my time being a Mistress, I had to step away and take some time off and come back. Maybe I was regrouping. Maybe I was questioning if what I was doing was worth the anxiety and frustrations I was encountering at times. I tried working the social angle and attended local functions where I would interact with some friendly folks. I mostly found that in general, the BDSM scene is full of a lot of people that are full of themselves ( in more ways than vanity..) liars, and those that are prone to clique-like tendencies.
I’m not the type of person that puts a lot of stock into feigning anything to be accepted. It’s just not worth it to me and I don’t like feeling like a sell out. I didn’t just dip my toe into the waters of the subculture that is BDSM. In fact, nowadays, BDSM feels like it’s becoming more mainstream pop culture than when it was considered taboo and the only way you’d know anything about it, is if you attended a dungeon.
Supposedly, there is some illusion that is so fiercely reflected that being a Mistress is the most empowering role that you can assume. Without the submissives and slaves, a Mistress would have nothing to dominate. Without nothing to dominate, you are left without a role. That should go without saying. I came to a wall or a breaking point. It wasn’t a realization. I’ve been well versed in the realities of the BDSM world thus far.
I would like to say I have arrived. Since this experience for me has been quite an excursion from the vanilla run of the mill life I’ve lead. The destination I’ve reached has taught me invaluable life lessons. 1: Never let anyone else make you feel as though they determine your value based off of any reason. 2: It is OK to not have control over every situation in your life. 3: Why the fuck would you ever expect loyalty from people so hedonistic, that they are like ravenous vultures circling for their most base desires to be sated by the next best thing?
I don’t want to say that I feel defeated in regards to the experiences that I voluntarily participated in. I refuse to play the victim role. I learned what I needed. It is with a sense of resignation that my experiences couldn’t have proved to be more positive for the effort I expended.